Header Title : Behind those hazel eyesCharacters: Gaeta, Dee, Adama, Roslin, Helo, Baltar , HeadSix, CottleGenre : Angst, deathfic, tragedyRating : M, 16 and upWords: 2.270Beta :millari >thanks, hug.Discailmer : BSG belongs to Ron D. Moore, I dont make money with thisWarning : Spoiler S3, violence(rape), you should know the ep. Taking a breakTeaser :He tried to concentrate, but he could barely repress the intrusive memories of New Caprica. Nightmares frequently woke him up in the middle of the night, and he would find himself bathed in sweat.Behind Those Hazel Eyes Dualla woke up in her rack, yawning and stretching extensively, her mind already in the CIC, planning her day. Lee was up and gone; his shift started earlier then hers. Eventually, more or less awake, she got out of bed. Looking at Gaetas rack, she saw that the curtain was still closed, even though they were supposed to get up at the same time and work the morning shift in CIC. Did he oversleep? The evening before, she had checked the communications protocols together with him, a rather boring task, but a necessary part of the ship's routine. Hardly an exhausting task, though. Quietly she sneaked up to his rack. "Hey, Gaeta! Get up!" Behind the curtain, nothing moved. "Hey, Gaeta you sleepyhead !" she teased, dragging the curtain andshe froze in her movement: The Lieutenant lay motionless on his bed. His lips had turned a deathly shade of blue. His eyes were closed. Dualla noticed a small empty medicine bottle by his hand, the lid missing. "Oh my Gods, Felix!" she screamed, her hand clapping over her mouth in surprise. She made futile efforts to shake him. "Gaeta !" she yelled in a panic. "Help! Oh my Gods, help!"Helo, who had been passing by the dormitory, ran in alarm at the frantic sound of her voice. He found her standing in front of Gaetas rack, tears running down her cheeks. "Oh Lords of Kobol," she sobbed. A quick look at the Lieutenant's lifeless body told him what had happened. "Frak," he muttered. He searched for a pulse, hoping it wasn't too late, but Gaeta's skin felt unusually cold. He looked up at Dualla, who was clearly trying to stay calm and keep her voice from shaking. "Ill call Doc Cottle," she said, determined, but Helo embraced her by her shoulders. "Anastasia, he's dead."Her eyes widened with shock. "No, he can't be!""He's been dead for many hours, Dee; we're too late." "How is that possible? Yesterday we worked togetherplayed triad. We were having so much fun. He was so happy...so relaxed" "Frak!" Helo banged his fists against the rack's frame, making Dualla flinch. Helo had seen many soldiers die since they'd been at war, but this was different, so pointless and unnecessary. He didnt know Gaeta as well as Dualla, but he'd played triad with him and had laughed at his jokes. It was so wrong. He calmed down again and called Admiral Adama. ***Adama picked up the CIC's ringing phone. Tigh watched as the Admirals face darkened, and he gave his superior officer a quizzical look. "You're absolutely sure?" Adama said. Then: "Thanks. Im on my way." Adama stared at the receiver a few moments before letting it sink slowly back onto its hook. "What is it?" Tigh asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."The Admirals voice sounded even huskier then usual. "Mr. Gaetas dead. He committed suicide early this morning." "Son of a bitch!" Tigh exclaimed. ***Doc Cottle confirmed his death with Adama, Tigh, Helo and Dualla all standing next to the late Lieutnant Gaetas rack."If Id known what he was planning to do, Id have never given him those pills." Cottle lit a cigarette. "He came to me complaining that he had trouble sleeping at night, so I started giving him some pills when I could spare them. I thought it was stress; I had no idea he was saving them." He exhaled the smoke with a sigh. "Its not your fault, Doc," Adama said. "I was his commanding officer. I should have noticed that something was wrong with him. Gaeta was always so composed, calm, hardly ever lost his nerve, but I never knew what was going on inside of him.""He was my superior officer," Dualla mused. "I always thought we - Felix and I - were friends, but he never said anything about this, never seemed depressed.""What about that interview he gave DAnna Biers?" Helo said. "Didn't he say he'd asked himself whether there was more in life? He seemed to be happy, so I never thought anything of it at the time, didn't think it was important. But now"***Some days agoLt. Gaeta stared at his DRADIS screen like a man hypnotized. He tried to concentrate, but he could barely repress the intrusive memories of New Caprica. Nightmares frequently woke him up in the middle of the night, and he would find himself bathed in sweat. Even the slightest sound startled him, made him panic these days. He didn't know how much longer he could take it."Sir?" Dualla's voice interrupted his thoughts. "You ok? You're sweating." Her comment made him notice the cold sweat on his forehead for the first time. A shiver ran down his back. "I'm fine. Just a little hot in front of the screen." He smiled, which seemed to calm her.Later, lying in his rack, staring into the darkness, he tried to keep himself awake as long as possible. His entire body shook, thinking about the argument with Baltar that had torn Felix open afresh, that had made him lose his temper and stab Baltar with a pen. With one harsh whisper in his ear, Baltar had turned out to know everything. Called him a traitor. But the Cylons hadn't left Felix any choice. They'd controlled him. He had been so powerless, so weak, so subjugated. Tears ran down his cheeks. It wasn't just the pain or the humiliation. It was his conscience that troubled him. In his mind's eye, he saw the incident playing over and over again, like some sort of movie. The Cylons had intruded his tent in the middle of the night, overpowered him and forced him to come with them to that prison, where they had done unspeakable things. The memories made him suddenly sick. He ran out of his rack and into the bathroom just barely in time before he had to throw up violently into the nearest toilet. His own heaving breaths disgusted him. He was disgusting. Some of it had even pleased him, against his will, or at least he thought this might be the case. And he'd betrayed all of his friends, to make the Cylons stop hurting him. He had been so weak.His shoulders trembled. He sobbed loudly, running his hands through his hair. No, this couldn't possibly have happened to him; it was all just a nightmare. He tried to tell himself this for a moment; it was terrifying, yes, but not real. Just a nightmare. Something that had happened to someone else, not Felix Gaeta. He got up from the floor and splashed cold water into his face, which helped calm him. It was only water, not tears that were making his cheeks wet, he told himself. Maybe he'd eaten something that had gone bad, he told himself, returning to his rack. ***The following morning, he met Dualla on her way to CIC. She greeted him with a smile. There were days when Felix was sure they all could see it written on his forehead in scarlet letters and just weren't saying anything."Report, Mr. Gaeta." He snapped to attention at the sound of Adama's husky voice. "No DRADIS contact in twelve hours, Sir." Those bastards should rot in Hades. That's where they belong , he thought, then remembered where he was, as he saw Adama give him a short nod.Later that day, he met with Dee and some others to play triad. He was sitting with them around the table, laughing, clinking glasses of ambrosia like in the good old days before the Attack. But something, deep down below the surface had changed since he'd returned from New Caprica. Some just stared at him or gave him strange looks as they passed him in the corridor. Others started to talk behind his back. Some even wished him dead, since he'd worked for Baltars government and others had just become strangers to him. Galactica didnt feel like home to him anymore. He felt alienated and empty - a stranger on the ship that had once been all he had left.Somewhere there was a deep emptiness in his soul, an abyss, that threatened to swallow him, but he didn't care; nothing mattered anymore. If the Cylons ever showed up, wanting to kill him, he wouldn't fight them. They had already won.Such were the dark thoughts that were surrounding him as he lay on his bed, rolling the bottle of scavenged sleeping pills around between his fingers. He'd been collecting these pills for a while. Sleeping - just sleeping, and never waking up again sounded like a dream to him. No more fighting, suffering, or fear; finding peace after all hed been through; it was what he wanted most. When he finally opened the glass, he took out pill after pill and swallowed them like candy. It felt great to be free at last.***Present Day Adama still felt stunned about Gaeta's death. Earlier that morning, he'd entered CIC, lost in thoughts and had asked Gaeta for a status report. When no answer followed, he realized his error and it hit him that he wouldn't hear that pleasant baritone ever again, because Gaeta was really gone. His seat was still empty. The Lieutenant wasn't only a personal , but also a professional loss for the ship, hard to replace. They were looking for a new watch officer. Adama boiled with rage. He wanted to know the reasons for Gaeta's suicide, so it could finally make some sense. He took the phone off the hook and called Roslin. Maybe they could get some information from Baltar. If necessary, he was determined to even force Baltar to speak.***Baltar heard footsteps approaching his cell and saw Adama and Roslin walking towards him. Adama started to speak. "Consider this to be an interrogation, Mr. Baltar. Yesterday, your former secretary Mr. Gaeta committed suicide. I want to hear in plain English what happened between you and him on New Caprica, no excuses!"Baltar swallowed. He was honestly shocked. "Im sorry, I didn't want that to happen." With tears welling up in his eyes, he hung down his head."Liar !" said a sarcastic female voice behind him. "You wanted to blackmail him with it." He ignored Six. "Damnit, Baltar, talk to me!" Adama yelled at him."Where should I begin?" he answered in a thin voice.Roslin started to speak. "Tell us what you whispered into his ear that made him lose his temper and attack you . You called him a traitor, right ?"Baltar kept his gaze on the floor as he spoke. "There is something that you dont know about Gaeta. He betrayed the Resistance on New Caprica to the Cylons, but it was without any consequences, because the planet was liberated the next day, so no one was arrested." "Congratulations Gaius, youre an even dirtier liar then I thought." Six applauded ironically."Maybe he felt guilty about it" Baltar continued.Adama and Roslin couldnt believe what they had just heard. Wasn't Gaeta a hero at all, like the Chief had claimed?"Speaking of guilt - something that seems to be unknown to you - why dont you tell the whole truth about the Cylons who visited you and showed you that tape of Gaeta?" teased Six."I should add something" His hands wrapped around the bars. "We're all ears, Mr. Baltar," Roslin said."Mr. Gaeta was tortured. He unfortunately guessed some right names to give them to make them stop." "Interesting. How can you know that, since according to your statements, nobody was ever tortured on New Caprica?" hissed Roslin. Baltar swallowed again. "One morning, two Cylons came to see me, a Five and a Leoben. They showed me a video." His eyes began filling with tears. "It was so horrible to watch. They tortured Gaeta. They tied him to a bed and they beat him." "He cried and begged them to stopbut they wanted names" His voice broke and tears rolled down his cheeks. " They did something horrible, to terrify him, to make him give up the names they wanted: They raped him."Roslin gave him a shocked look. In that moment, she felt unending compassion for Felix."He gave them some names, to make them stop," Baltar continued, sobbing now. "They threatened to do the same to me, if I didn't cooperate." Six nodded. "We've learned a lot from you, Gaius, but don't worry. We won't let those models get away with it, like the officers on Pegasus. We are a just race. We're no humans, after all."Baltar ignored her sarcasm. "Thank you, Mr. Baltar," Adama said coldly. Like Roslin, he was shocked by what he had just heard. Both left the brig in silence.In the corridor, Roslin burst into tears. "Gods! How could anybody ever do that! If we'd known, we could have helped him"Adama hugged her and stroked her back to calm her. He was so angry, but it was a cold rage. "They must have found out about what our officers did to that Cylon woman aboard the Pegasus. Gaeta was just their way of avenging it. I hope he's in a better place now." Gaeta felt as if he was swimming in a mucos liquid, was this what death felt like ? "Take a deep breath" said a female voice.He opened his eyes and looked into the face of a blond woman,who reminded him of Shelly Godfrey."Where am I ?""Home." she said.Gaetas eyes dilated with shock, when he realized where he was.This was worse than all the things that happend to him before.He started screaming at the top of his lungs. The end